Writing is how I process. Thoughts crowd my mind throughout the day and in this space I find clarity and understanding. I need that now more than ever.
A few weeks ago, I had an appointment to find out how the one twin was growing. One of my favorite songs by Matt Redman was on the radio. Its titled, “Bless the Lord O my soul.” I sang:
The sun comes up
It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass
And whatever lies before me
Let me be singing
When the evening comes
I knew what singing those words meant. I did lose that baby. I cried and I trusted my pain to God.
Last weekend, the unexpected happened. I went to the ER for hives and they could not find the other baby’s heartbeat. At 16 weeks pregnant, after 6 perfect ultrasounds, the last words I ever thought I hear were, “I’m sorry. This baby has died.”
I pinched Jeremy hoping I was dreaming. What would I tell those girls at home so excited to be a big sister? With the doctors staring at us, I fell back on the crinkled paper and talked to God. I prayed something like, “I praise you despite of this. Walk us through this and fill us with your Presence.”
You see, I walked through pain before. I hated God. I was angry. It was the darkest, lowest time of my life. How could a loving God claim to love me and cause such pain? My dearest friends loved me though this and helped restore this relationship. In time and before Mia was born, I was walking side by side with Christ again.
I write this with full knowledge that this world is full of pain. Death, uncertainties and unmet expectations, divorce, miserable marriages, financial struggles and abuse. We all carry something. The road of life is not easy and pain is certain.
Not all who are reading this believe in Jesus Christ. I find that ultimate Hope and Love is found in a relationship with Him. That in accepting Christ, we are given His Holy Spirit to face anything that we come across.
I lost my other child this week. Both babies are in heaven. A place where there is no pain. They will never experience the hurts that this world offers. I am heartbroken to never wipe their tears but I don’t know if I would trade the last 4 days of being loved and being seated in the the presence of God for anything. He has filled my gaping hole of hurt with love. My God has a plan for me and it is not holding twins on my lap. I don’t know why I will deal with this hurt the rest of my life but God knows exactly what I need. His plan is ultimately perfect. Designed in the beginning of time.
For those of you that don’t believe in Jesus, I pray that you have a support system, a way to meditate, touching the earth and being in creation. Filling your self up so you can putone foot in front of the other and begin to move again.
Allow people to love you. I have felt the hand of God through the love of people in my life this week. My mother-in-law holding me in desperation at the hospital, my sister flying in from Hawaii just for this, my best friends checking in throughout the day, close friends I have not seen in years visiting me. Meals, flowers, calls, texts, messages and Facebook flooded with encouragement and prayer. God works through people. You are his people, made in His image. I felt it this week.
All of you are made to love. May you find love when you face trials as I have. May you have someone to call out to and lean your burdens on. Even try to cry to God, He will answer.
“Hear my cry, O God. Listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call unto you.
I call you as my heart grows faint,
lead me to the Rock that is Higher than I.
**If you would ever like to talk to me about my experience with this, bipolar disorder, what you may be facing or what a relationship with Jesus/God means. Please reach out. I would sincerely love to chat with you.