Not sure where to begin as my heart is pulled in different ways. We had so much joy to learn we were expecting not one but two babies: twins! One was measuring smaller but we were so full of Hope that all would catch up and both babies would be fine.
Thursday afternoon my doctor sent me to the hospital to confirm that one of our twins did not make it. Even then I had Hope, maybe she was wrong.
When they did the 3D ultrasound, I kept thinking I saw them both but it was just a different view of Baby A. The screen quickly showed our second twin who was not moving, no blood flow and then it finally became real. Where was my Hope then? Was I silly to have it all this time?
I got in the car to a beautiful rendition of “It Is Well With My Soul.” A favorite hymn that didn’t always have such personal significance. But, amidst how numb I felt, I did feel God’s peace.
In the hospital room, I could hardly enjoy looking at my perfect baby jumping around moving his/her arms and legs. Even though I was seeing the profile and each inch of his/her body, I still felt nothing. After the news of losing the other, I struggled to find joy in the gift that was growing inside me.
I will say that the Hope given to us can give us peace in the trials we face. Hard times are ahead for us all. That is just part of being human. I don’t understand why God gives and takes away but His plan is perfect for our lives.
I will be still be shedding some tears in the next few weeks or months to come but I will be celebrating the gifts I do have to treasure while dwelling here on earth. I know in heaven, I’ll meet those that I lost in the womb and never cry another tear. I need to remember is not suppose to reflect heaven, God created that place for us to be together, praising Him, letting go of all the struggles and hurts we face. When that day comes, I will be ready. Until then, I wait with the gifts I have been given.