Getting real with my mess

Oh, the lovely discussion of self-worth. This is a huge barrier for me daily.  Most of my life I have battled with this issue. In high school and through college, my athletic performance was where I placed my value of self-worth. As you can imagine, my feelings would change quite a bit depending on opinions of others, the numbers of goals scored or what the newspaper said about me. When I became injured and could no longer play, I was completely lost. This shallow personal vantage point of my identification was imbedded in my thoughts, actions and behavior.

When I became a mother, my performance-based value system did not change. It was the setting and people that I performed for that did. Instead of worrying about pleasing my teammates, coach or parents, it was my friends, my family or teachers. I remember picking up my oldest daughter from preschool when she was two or three years old. I was talking to her teacher and shared with me how shy she was compared to the other kids. She went into areas of concern that she had despite her sweet disposition. I was extremely defensive. I was not surprised by the shyness by any means since my husband is introverted. But this conversation is just an example of many opinions I would continue to hear about my children. These opinions and conversations became my new viewpoint. This inaccurate view a teacher had on my daughter really shook me. I even knew she was wrong. But despite that, I cared about what kind of mother this lady considered me to be. I think we can all relate to this as mothers or fathers. What milestone are they at? What parenting style did you choose? Do you wear your baby? Are they reading yet? I mean seriously, the list could go on for pages.

I won’t even begin the dissertation of my issues in the workplace. That is where you will find my greatest dysfunction of value. At home, I have this amazing man, that now keeps me real when I am going down a windy road with my kids. However, at work, it’s just me and my agenda. Get it done and do it right. I don’t want to just finish a task. It really needs to be essentially perfect or I am really hard on myself. There is no pressure to be this way at all in my working environment. It is just my enormous weight that I choose to carry most days. I am taking another area of my life that I love and making it into something that is defining who I am. The whole time I am leaning on myself. Doing it on my own strength.

Ugh. This pattern is not healthy. I’m not writing here today suggesting that I have an answer to the problem of this value system and that all is dandy in my world today. I am definitely getting better at it. I do give these areas over to God and place them at His feet. But I honestly need to do it more than just the morning and evening. It’s an hour by hour, minute by minute situation for me.

I know where my worth needs to be placed. I know how it’s supposed to look. But, I struggle. I am seeking my acceptance and worth in people not in my Creator. He is all that matters. Everything I do is only intended to serve Him. But somehow, I try to make it about myself. What I need to accomplish and get done.

The song “Lord, I need You,” by Matt Mahar has been such a great conversation with God. I pray and worship while singing this song.

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here, I find my rest
Without You, I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You

Where sin runs deep
Your grace is more
Where grace is found, is where You are
Where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes, where You are, Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God how I need You

Teach my song
To rise to you
When temptation comes my way,
When I cannot stand
I’ll fall on You
Jesus, You’re my hope and stay

I rest assured that I have grace. That I am enough without having to perform. I pray that as I raise those little girls, I can guide them to learn with me that there is only one vantage point that matters. I cling to Him and know He accepts me despite this mess I bring to Him daily, minute by minute.

If you want to hear the song, click below.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s