Fog

Here’s one reason not to rush from one place to another; when you are rushing, you may put your foot on the gas when the turning lane arrow becomes green and your light is actually red. You may hit the car in front of you at a very slow speed. This may result in a nice headache and a few aches and pains. Seriously, you may. That was my Tuesday.

Honestly, my body feels fine but wouldn’t you know the stress of this incident has seriously put me in this fog? Not quite sure how to describe it other than a fog but I’m definitely not the happy girl I was earlier that day. The night before I was laughing with friends and hubby, feeling so carefree. Getting all ready for spring gardening plans and thinking about the date we have planned for this weekend. But, although this little bump was not a BIG bump like it could’ve been, it’s really has shaken me up.

I don’t know why I have this emotion. All I know is that if I did not email my boss telling her that I would be at work the next day, I probably could have laid in bed all day. I wouldn’t call what I am feeling a depression by any means but it did get me thinking about when I was.

Depression makes it so hard to get out of bed and feel some sort of worth even with the most amazing husband and two precious little girls. Even despite having a great job, amazing co-workers, friends and family my whole life, you could still have found me in fetal position many nights trying to find some sort of good.

About 2 years ago, something changed for me. I can’t tell you one specific thing that occurred but, I stopped getting depressed. I no longer need my light box in the morning. I am still facing situations that are not exactly ideal. If I am honest, there are situations in my life now that are actually more difficult than they were years prior. But my mindset has shifted.

I attribute it to giving up doing life on my own strength. It obviously wasn’t working anyway. I cannot pinpoint when the day was but I have turned over the wheel to someone WAY stronger than me. I need to rely on Him and use my tool kit for dealing with struggles.

I need medication. Don’t think that I am at all suggesting I am cured. I am a strong advocate for finding good medication and counseling for mental health needs.

But, my perspective is very different.

I may be in a fog but I will not let it overtake me anymore. I will get up, straighten up the house and return my emails. I will walk my dog even if I don’t feel like getting off the couch. I will jump at the chance to grab coffee to talk about what the heck I’m feeling. (Thank you, friend. You made time for me on your busiest of days. I have no idea how God placed you in my life like He did but I am so thankful.) I got to the university, did my thing, taught my class and came home to my precious bunch.

Even as I am writing, I don’t feel happy but I still have my joy. I know that His plans  are perfect. He is teaching me that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and goodness are so much more valuable than anything else I can pursue in this world. (Galatians 5:22, 23) I will pursue those. Not saying that I have them all. Not saying that I have  this figured out at all. But that is what He has given me in Jesus. I rely on His strength now.

It may be foggy out right now but I’m going to push through. I’ve got Jesus, coffee and my crew. I haven’t been let down yet. Things may be foggy and it may be hard to see but there is Someone who has overcome it all.

If you have no idea what I am referring to and my experience with depression, here’s my story.  https://wednesdaysmusings.wordpress.com/2016/01/27/my-name-is-susan-veenema/

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